Fuddland

There’s some pretty amazing technology available in the world today, but I’ve never heard of anything like the computer systems the Chinese must have developed to produce the pirate DVDs that are readily available in every city: they don’t just copy the movies — they actually manage to turn every single Hollywood production, whatever genre, into a comedy.

Their main secret lies in the packaging: it’s not simply a scan of the original, they actually design a similar-looking cover using elements taken from a variety of sources: a photo from here, some legal blurb from there, as well as adding some Chinese text. Most of the time [but not always], they get the title and the cover photograph right, so you at least know the disc you’re purchasing is actually the film you think it is, but turn over the box and have a look at the back cover — you never know what to expect.

My theory is that the manufacturers have a database of what they consider apt English quotations to make the movie look terribly exciting, but unfortunately among the standards such as, “‘Terrific!’ — A. Critic” or “‘A must-see hit’ — Phil M. Goer”, some negative comments have slipped in. Thus I am proudly told in big white-on-dark letters that Frederic and Mary Ann Brussat believe that Tommy Lee Jones’s directorial debut is,

An excruciatingly boring morality tale with poorly developed characters and a big spiritual finale that splutters.

At least, thanks to a quick search, I know this quotation is taken from a genuine review of the movie in question. I further discovered that, “Frederic and Mary Ann Brussat have been discovering spiritual meanings in films for more than 30 years. [They] are always on the lookout for movies that ‘speak to our condition’ (a Quaker phrase) and reveal new possibilities for our lives … [They] publish an annual list of the ‘most spiritually literate films of the year’.” So I don’t suppose I’ll be settling down to watch Police Academy 4 with them anytime in the near future.

The cast list could well be taken from a totally different film, as could the summary — if indeed it makes any sense whatsoever — but further treats await when you watch the movie, as I found when I loaded up futuristic action-flick Æon Flux. Subtitles are on by default on my DVD player, and whilst I was figuring out what button on the remote control turned them off, I noticed that the words on the screen didn’t quite match what was being said. I say “didn’t quite” because for a time the subtitles were almost providing justification for the on-screen action, before it finally became obvious that the text had been ripped from Oscar-winning weepy The Piano of all things. Mild surreality ensued as I watched Charlize Thieron wordlessly blowing people away whilst the bottom of the screen declared she was thinking,

Today he married me to a man I have not yet met. [Bang!] Soon my daughter and I shall join him in his own country. [Boom!] My husband writes that my muteness does not bother him — [Buddabuddabuddabuddabudda] and hark this! He says, “God loves dumb creatures, so why not I?” ‘Twere [Ka-bloooomy] good he had God’s patience, for silence affects everyone in the end. [Boink.] The strange thing is, I don’t think myself silent. That is because of my piano. [Kersplat.]

[Boink?]

Rumour has it that these DVD stores will be closed down in one clean sweep in the near future, destroying an industry that has regularly provided me with a good chuckle over the last six months.

#1

Kav | 2006 / 08 / 21 – 16:03

I’ve seen Aeon Flux. From the way you describe the version you saw, it was infinitely better.

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