Fuddland

I’m about ready to submit an article to The Lancet, describing a previously-unreported but widespread medical condition that I’ve dubbed “Běnxī Knee”.

In many of the blocks of flats here, the stairwells are illuminated by sound-activated lights; there are no traditional switches, merely sensors that detect noise and turn on the bulbs for a short period of time. The only trouble is, the majority of the sensors aren’t all that sensitive, so require a loud stamp of the foot — or, usually, several increasingly-loud stamps of the foot until the required volume is attained — on the concrete floor at the bottom of each and every flight of stairs. By the time you’ve climbed to the fifth floor, and done this several times every day for the past two months, each stamp sends a sharp pain shooting halfway up your leg, resulting in a case of Běnxī Knee.

Thankfully there is a treatment. It’s called, “Why don’t you clap your hands instead, you dolt?” Trials are ongoing.

The following is an entry which follows on from the above:

1. Clickety-crack [Fuddland]. Excerpt: Continuing my efforts to traverse the stairs of my block of flats in not total darkness, tonight I decided on a different strategy: knowing that, on occasion at least one hand would be occupied with carrying shopping, I thought that...