Fuddland
Comic Relief, registered charity 326568
Today is RND‘05. Following on from the raging success of two years ago, where this site raised a stonking £8.40, I shall be again donating-per-comment, but this year I’m pledging to donate a whopping 50p per comment. So come on people, get yakking in the space below.
And of course, you can always donate yourself if you feel so inclined — although I’m fairly sure they’d prefer you to donate money instead of donating yourself. [See what I did there?]
Related entries
The following is an entry which follows on from the above:
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Thanks [Fuddland]. Excerpt: To everyone who commented on the previous entry: And who says charity work doesn't get any recognition anymore? It doesn't do too badly for one's visitor stats either!...
Comments
David | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 09:04
I’ll get the ball rolling. Ker-ching! There’s 50 pence right there.
clair | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 09:05
So if I post a series of comments with one word in each?
I could post the whole dictionary!
clair | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 09:06
Mwahahaha
kazza | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 09:58
heh I have a collection of old red noses.. including a couple of big car ones. Red nose day was a big thing here in 1990/91, and then it fizzled away as people lost interest.
50p for me please :)
David | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 10:11
Re #2 & #3: I can’t seem to find “mwahahaha” in my dictionary. ;)
Re #4: Yeah, I still have my original red nose from the first Comic Relief. What’s the point in buying a new one every year? ;)
Daisy | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 10:14
What a good idea! Shall we have a discussion on the Fame Academy wotsit that was on last night? Why are they voting to keep the tuneless in? Or were the others even worse? I saw the first episode with Jenny Eclair (I’m still blushing for her) but when I caught up with it again last night Reggi Bombastic was still there. Must be his personality.
Daisy | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 10:15
Of course, if you haven’t seen Fame Academy none of the above will make sense - but you could leave your questions in the comment box ;-0))
mrtn | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 10:31
heh, rnd does fame academy. possibly the only programme that’s actually worse than “fame acadamy”. although there is the saving grace that it’s all for charity (mate).
anyone else feeling nostalgic for the first comic relief: a bunch of “alternative” comics - how dated that phrase feels - and, bizarrely, ronnie corbett, doing stand up for 1 night only at the ?astoria? theatre - seems a million miles from the charity fest of today…
mrtn | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 10:33
on a (slightly) related note, did anyone see izzard on the tsunami benefit the other day? “er, right. moths eh?” genius.
just realised that that benefit was almost a carbon copy of the format of the first comic relief…
the manly smell | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 10:37
Q. What do you call a bunch of guys breaking into a music store and helping themselves to the stringed instruments?
A. Luters.
Boom-tish.
David | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 10:40
Re #6 & #7: I’m not an avid viewer, but my pal Kav is sure that, on the live Sunday evening show, he heard Lesley Garrett tell one of the other judges to “f — k off”. We’ve not been able to find any verification of it though, just of the other incident, so perhaps he misheard. Or has some kind of filthy-mouthed Garrett fantasy he’s longing to have fulfilled.
Nevertheless: vote for Ade Edmondson!
David | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 10:48
Re #8 & #9: [All these double-postings are going to cost me a fortune! ;)] I think I’m just about old enough to remember it. ;) It gets a bit muddled in my head with Stephen Fry’s Hysteria! shows and The Secret Policeman’s Balls as to who took part etc.
Re #10: If only it was morally right to deduct from the donation on the basis of bad jokes. :P
Daisy | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 10:55
No, vote for Edith! (Who is she by the way? Will go google and report back.)
Lyle | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 10:56
Bah humbug…
David | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 10:57
I’ve just received one of those automated “You’ve just won a holiday, press 7 now to claim your prize” calls. The voice told me I’d won a holiday to Florida to celebrate Disney’s 100th anniversary.
Since the company was founded in 1923, does that mean I wouldn’t actually go on the holiday for another seventeen years? Or maybe, just maybe, there’s not actually any such holiday to be won. At least they could have got their facts straight.
Does anyone else like to stay on the line with these calls for as long as they keep repeating the message, to ensure that the company pays as much as possible for the price of the call?
Daisy | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 11:00
Ah okay, she’s a she’s a Radio 1 presenter. Didn’t I see her talking about John Peel and Glastonbury during one of the tribute programmes?
So shall we have votes on who the mystery judge will be? I’lls tart the ball rolling with
KYLIE MINOGUE
David | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 11:05
Re #16: That silhouette looks more like Rod Stewart than Kylie! I’d put my money on Simon Cowell, but I hope you’re right, Daisy. :)
the manly smell | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 11:12
Re #12: Completely immoral.
Q. What do animals read in zoos?
A. Gnus papers.
And vote Edith!
Mary | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 11:12
Helooo. Daisy sent me over to do a kerching for the Red Nose Day. Good on ye!
Shelagh | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 11:25
Daisy might end up costing you a fortune! I came via Daisy too :)
mrtn | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 11:38
uh-oh, a tenner already! (10.50 now i suppose)
Lyle | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 11:44
Is it per comment, or per commenter? (See, nice use of the get-out clause potential there…)
the manly smell | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 11:47
Do we have a comment limit that will bankrupt you?
On my way home last night I called in at the butchers. I bet him he couldn’t reach the beef on the top shelf, but wouldn’t take the wager as he said the steaks were too high.
Jann | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 11:52
Whatever happened to free school milk, eh?
That Thatcher’s got a lot to answer for…
Jann | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 11:53
That was a social comment.
Jann | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 11:53
I nicked it from Ben Elton during his warm up on the first RND.
Jann | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 11:54
It was funnier when he said it…
Jann | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 11:55
This isn’t very subtle is it?
the manly smell | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 12:00
It’s not a ‘who can post the most comments’ competition Jann. At least not one you’re going to win - I’ve got days worth of material:
Q. What is Irish and stays out in your garden, even when it rains?
A. Paddy O’Furniture.
Mark | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 12:14
Knock knock.
the manly smell | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 12:21
Who’s there?
Mark | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 12:25
Control freak.
Now you say “Control freak who?”
the manly smell | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 12:27
Ha ha. Excellent. I’ve missed your humour - my work’s s£x naysayers have now blocked webnymph, so I’m neonbubbleless again.
Mark | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 12:34
Trust me: you’re not missing anything.
Do you think David minds that technically we’re not commenting and are merely having a conversation and digging out old, crap jokes at his expense? And is it right to refer to him in the third person on his own site? And would this have been funnier if I’d put each question in its own comment?
David | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 12:47
Gah, I pop out for lunch and come back to find I’m up to 17 quid already. I forgot that the last time I did this, only about four people ever visited this place! Still, it’s all for a good cause, so hijack/converse, I don’t mind. You’ll never know whether I actually donate the promised cash in the end anyway. :P
Oh, and David doesn’t mind being referred to in the third person on his own site. :)
Richard | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 13:04
Funniest thing I heard yesterday was a discussion on the radio about the comic potential of the word “it”. They quoted a Morecombe and Wise sketch, where the two were first meeting again after a 30 year separation:
Ernie: So … how long is it now?
Eric [outraged]: I beg your pardon!!It probably works better when spoken.
clair | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 13:07
So…moths eh?
Lyle | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 13:17
Is a myth a female moth?
Cathy | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 13:20
Re: #5 - what? You don’t buy the new Red Nose every year? So you don’t have the one for your car, or the one with tufty red hair (2001 I think), or the one that was made of rubber and was mostly solid (‘97? ‘99?), or any of the ones with faces?
Next you’ll be telling me you don’t participate in the non-Red-Nose things they try to whip the public into a frenzy about every two years – who remembers the Scratch’n’Sniff cards? :-) Though really I suppose this year their non-Red-Nose thing is Fame Academy, so I can’t exactly claim I’m supporting it :-)
Richard | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 13:20
Apparently, this gigantic moth (with a wingspan of six inches!) uses its antennae to track the “chemicals of love” released by the female. Isn’t that nice?
Cathy | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 13:20
And see how I managed to make a relevant comment about the content of the original post, and not just fill up the comment boxes with superfluous conversations or meta-discussions of the comments so David has to shell out another 50p?
*looks at new comment she’s typing*
Oops.
clair | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 13:33
Re: #40 200-300 eggs? That’s a lot of babies.
David | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 13:41
Eek. Where the heck is that “close comments” option… ;)
Daisy | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 13:46
I’m glad that maths is your specialty David, you’ll need your Fudd to work out the total if it carries on like this. It might be an idea to set a limit (as Mike did on the Bloggers Disco Playlist, she says, getting a plug in for another RND05 event…) or we could offer to chip in? I’ve got a few bob earmarked for tonight, will happily divert it.
Jann | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 13:51
Control freak wh…Oh, you guys, you.
Do you think we could get this on telly tonight if we reach 1000 comments?
They could show footage of David’s wallet being surgically removed from his tightly-clenched fist. “When pledges go wrong…”
David | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 13:51
Re #44: Wha…? I don’t think that link goes to the right site, somehow. Did you intentionally put the wrong link in for comic effect? ;)
I have an upper limit in mind, so if we start approaching it I’ll have to think about closing the comments, but I’m enjoying the show so far. :D Thanks for the offer though, I’ll let you donate your earmarked bob in your own name. :)
the manly smell | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 13:52
I’m happy to pay for my own comments, seeing as they are all just superfluous conversations or meta-discussions of the comments so you have to shell out another 50p.
Daisy | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 13:54
They could show footage of David’s wallet being surgically removed from his tightly-clenched fist. “When pledges go wrong…”
*chortle*
David | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 13:59
Bonus 50p for telling a joke in the 50th comment…
the manly smell | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 14:00
Two television sets got married. The wedding was boring, but the reception was excellent.
David | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 14:04
Re #50: A classic! Bravo.
the manly smell | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 14:10
It’s the way I tell ‘em.
Do you think there’s any kind of irony in the fact that today started off with my appraisal in which I was effectively told ‘keep up the good work’ and the only thing I have done since then is hit F5 every 30 seconds?
Kav | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 14:36
I’ll pitch in, methinks:
Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says: ‘So how do you drive this thing?
best joke in the history of jokes!
Kav | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 14:38
Reagarding comment #11:
Well I have always had a bit of thing for Lesley Garret so it could be a touch of fetish slipping out…
David | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 14:39
Re #52: Not really ironic. You work in the F5 Key Testing Centre, don’t you?
Re #53: It’s one of the best, but personally I prefer:
Two parrots sitting on a perch. One says to the other, “Can you smell fish?”
:P
Kav | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 14:40
At the time I would have laid money that she said f**k off to the obnoxious judge (as opposed to the obnoxious orange judge). Perhaps she did but nobody complained because they thought he deserved it…
Kav | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 14:41
Now, who thinks we can get on up to 100?
:)
David | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 14:44
Re #57: I bet you can’t. [He said, hoping his commenters are far too clever to fall for the old “reverse psychology” trick…]
Emma | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 14:56
I second voting for Edith!! (radio 1 DJ in the afternoon, very good I reckon).
Red Nose Day going well here in Liverpool with a load of transvestite geologists running around !!!
And I’m sure Leslie Garrett only said ‘sod off’ whatever kav says!
clair | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 15:00
Man walks into a bar and says ouch.
[Edited by commenter — 15:02]
Leslie Garrett | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 15:02
No, I definitely said F**k off.
Jann | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 15:05
Clair, That’s some edit. I bet all the boys say that, don’t they?
(I have no idea what this means)
clair | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 15:06
:) I was just proving a point.
Mark | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 16:03
I went on holiday to North Africa when I was young and a man approached me as if we were old friends. I had no idea who he was but his fez looked familiar.
the manly smell | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 16:06
A director decides that he’s going to make a movie based on the lives of famous classical composers. Looking for a prospective cast, he asks Sylvester Stallone which composer he would like to play in the movie. Stallone thinks for a moment and says, “I like Mozart. Let me be Mozart.”
The director then turns to Arnold Schwarzenegger and asks him who he’d like to play. Arnold replies, “I’ll be Bach!”
clair | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 16:13
Q. If I had one green ball in one hand, and another green ball in another hand, what would I have? A. The undivided attention of the jolly green giant…
Cathy | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 16:18
Okay, here’s one of the worst jokes I know. (Well, I’ve probably heard worse, but have blocked them from my memory.):
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller’s name is Patricia Whack. So he says, “Ms. Whack, I’d like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation.”
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she’ll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He want to use this as collateral.” She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what the heck is this?”
The bank manager looks back at her and says:“It’s a knick knack, Patti Whack, give the frog a loan: his old man’s a Rolling Stone”.
Leslie Garrett's agent | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 16:24
Re #61
Any statements made by Ms Garrett or her agents should be taken in the spirit of RND05 and will not be permissible in a court of law.
[Edited by commenter — 16:25]
Leslie Garrett's agent | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 16:27
I’ll donate a fiver on behalf of anyone who can come up with a really, really, really nasty Anne Robinson joke.
Lesley Garrett's mum | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 16:29
Please spell my daughter’s name correctly. I find your lack of attention to detail when discussing one of this country’s premier operatic performers extremely upsetting.
David | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 16:31
Re #69: Now now, let’s play nice. :P
Re #70: Hooray, I’m not the only one who noticed!
Leslie Garrett's agent | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 16:42
I’m so sorry Mrs Garrutt.
Jann | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 16:57
What’s the difference between Anne Robinson and a weeping boil?
One’s a nasty, red-topped, puss-filled sore, the product of over-exposure to booze, fags and an inflated sense of self loathing.
The other’s a nasty, red-topped, puss-filled sore, the product of over-exposure to booze, fags and the constant pressure of self loathing.
Leslie Garrett's agent | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 16:58
Brilliant! One fiver on it’s way to RND05. Can anyone top that?
Jann | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 16:59
Sod it. I managed to make my unfunny joke even less funny that it already was.
Still, by my calculations, you now owe £7.36, David.
David | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 17:04
Re #75: Thanks, I’ll assume you’re correct and not double-check your calculation. ;)
Kav | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 17:18
I would like it on the record that both David and I spelt Ms. Garret’s name correctly.
In fact it was only when my (Cambridge-educated) wife weighed in that the spelling all went pear shaped.
How delicious :-)Why are we not at 100 yet????
Kav | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 17:26
Right, no Anne Robinson jokes but does anyone else not see the point of ‘It’s all about you’ from McFly as the Comic Relief song?
Let’s face it, it just ain’t no ‘Stick it out’, is it?
Of course one could argue that there is little point to McFly, full stop. Just like there is no point to Brie (officially the most pointless cheese in the world).
UPDATE: Dammit, I could easily have spread this over three comments…
[Edited by commenter — 17:27]
David | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 17:29
Re #78’s update: I’ve not yet clarified if it’s 50p per comment or 50p per unique commenter. :P
Richard | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 17:31
re #77. Well, David is the maths expert here, but I gather it’s something to do with the way that numbers follow after one another in sequence. So you have to actually go through the previous 99 numbers before you get to 100. It’s a nuisance, but there it is.
Kav | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 18:10
Re #80
You know, nobody likes a smartarse (though many like a smart arse)
;-)David, if I may draw your attention to the original post and the following portion:
” I shall be again donating-per-comment, but this year I’m pledging to donate a whopping 50p per comment”
I think this is pretty much unambiguous :-p
Right, I’m off to the pub…
David | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 18:29
Re #81: Ooh, I didn’t know you were a lawyer. :P
Leslie Garrett's agent | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 18:32
So when’s Kav going to start his own blog then? Any incriminating pictures you can threaten to publish should a donation not be forthcoming?
Lesley Garrett | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 18:37
It’s Lesley, f**ing Lesley, Damnit!
Hang on…Oi, Church! NOOOOOOOOO!
Daisy | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 18:38
Sorry Sorry Sorry - will put an extra donation in as penance for forgetting to change the name back. It’s these forms what remembers your name and things see.
Charlotte Church | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 18:53
“If your name is not Lesley Garrett, please change the user information.”
Hahaha! My name’s not f**ing Lesley and I say this joke’s not dead.
Come on all, stop pretending you’ve got social lives by making out you’re actually down the pub, interacting with real people and get these comments up to 100. We’re just shy of a tenner by my reckoning.
I’ll be joining in by watching the comedy intensely and looking for tips. Believe it or not, I’m actually not a comedian.
Daisy | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 19:17
Down the pub? What sort of drink ridden reprobates do you take us for?
Don’t answer that.
Daisy | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 19:18
Funnily enough Charlotte (if I may be so bold), my mother was talking about you just last night. Hope your ears weren’t burning. Or your mothers’.
Lesley Church | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 19:34
Re #88. Oh god. I’ve not been this confused since my mother dressed me in a ballgown and put me up on stage in front of a room full of Miners signing in close harmony who demanded I do an encore of he ain’t heavy whilst drinking a pint of stout (with a grenadine twist of course, I am a laydee you know).
David | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 19:39
Come on now, after his rendition of “You’re Just Too Good To Be True”, how can Ade Edmondson not win Fame Academy?
David | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 19:44
Oh blimey, we’re into the 90s now!
Lesley Church | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 19:53
Re #90 Agreed.
Re #91 Mwahaha!
Bugger. It’s me, Les. I wanted to edit my name but it seems my worst fears have come to life and I’m destined to walk the earth a changed man…
A woman, if you will.
My name?
Why yes. It’s Lesley Church of course.
Note to self:
GO OUTSIDE NOW!! MEET SOME PEOPLE, GET SOME AIR. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DO SOMETHING!
[Edited by commenter — 19:57]
David | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 20:02
A portion of tonight’s cash will go towards helping Jann recover his sanity.
Jann | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 20:04
Come on. We all know a lost cause when we see one. I hereby pledge five quid for every comment made here by me.
Daisy | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 20:40
Way to go Jann!
*counts comments made by imposter pretending to be daisy*
Okay, I’ll add thruppence to mine. Dammit.
David | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 20:43
Re #94: A fab idea my friend. Using your previous algorithm, that’s an additional -£3.78, bringing the current total to £12.90.
felicity | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 20:47
here goes
felicity | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 20:48
can i reach it?
felicity | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 20:50
i suppose i should tell a joke?
mrtn | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 20:51
re #98: gtbakefs!
felicity | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 20:52
why do you go to bed?
‘cos the bed won’t come to you
booom booom!
mrtn | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 20:52
re #100: aw, didn’t realise that was a series. feel bad now ;) maybe you can aim for #200 instead? ;)
felicity | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 20:53
beaten by mrtn!
felicity | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 20:55
all is forgiven mrtn darling! this blog has been the most entertaining rnd event so far….
it all got tooooo ‘commercially mainstream’ past the second one in 1987.
hope david is feeling very flush!
David | 2005 / 03 / 11 – 20:57
We’ve done the ton!
Well done everyone, a great effort all round. I appreciate the commitment of everyone who sat refreshing the screen all day instead of working; those who did amazingly convincing impressions of celebrities, their agents, and their misspelled-cousins; and everyone else who contributed.
I’m closing the comments now, but Red Nose Day is still going and there’s still plenty of time to donate yourselves. And your money too. [Yes! Begin and end on the same joke!]
Commenting Closed
Commenting on this post is closed. Thanks to all those who left comments. If you'd still like to say something about this entry, feel free to email me.
