Fuddland

Mobile phone-providers Orange have taken it upon themselves to update that age-old philosophical conundrum: if a tree falls down in a forest and there’s no-one around, does it make a sound?

The new version goes like this: if you ring up Orange customer services to increase the number of free talk minutes on your account, will that affect the free text-message package you also have?

Admittedly it’s not quite as catchy as the original, but evidently the workings of the system which controls Orange’s tariffs are much more mysterious than any piffling riddle about whether to define a sound as rapid vibrations transmitted through a fluid such as air or as the interpretation of such vibrations by the brain once they reach the ear-drum. It’s much more interesting to think about whether an upgrade can really be defined as the improvement of a service if it means losing a different, and useful, part in the process.

To wit, when I informed the friendly Orange agent that I wanted to upgrade my tariff, she told me it “might” mean I lose my free texts.
“‘Might’?” I said, before inadvertantly turning into Alan Partridge: “That sounds disconcertingly vague.”
“Yeah, we won’t know until we put it through.”
“But by then it’s too late to change it back?”
“Yes.”
“But, you must be able to tell what it’s going to do.”
“No, it’s up to the system.”
“Yes, but someone built it, right? It follows specific rules.”
“I’ll see if any of my colleagues know.”
[Yeah right, I thought as I was put on hold for precisely nine jiffies.]
“No, they all say it’s up to the system,” she said.
“Wow. Okay, well, let’s cross our fingers and put it through.”

I didn’t lose my free texts. Just my faith in the deterministic properties of conventional computer systems.

#1

Jann | 2004 / 11 / 11 – 20:18

Is air really fluid?

Man, I wish I’d payed more attention in physics…

#2

David | 2004 / 11 / 11 – 20:24

Re #1: As far as I know it is — I think “fluid” is basically just a catch-all for “liquid or gas”, substances where the constituent particles can move freely around one another.

[Edited by commenter — 20:28]

#3

Richard | 2004 / 11 / 11 – 21:45

“it’s up to the system” - Wow, Orange have perfected artificial intelligence…

#4

the manly smell | 2004 / 11 / 12 – 14:03

Their system is actually like a technological Santa - if you’ve been good that year you keep your texts.

#5

David | 2004 / 11 / 12 – 14:06

Re #4: Then there must have been a glitch in the system — I got to keep mine.

Commenting on this post is closed. Thanks to all those who left comments. If you'd still like to say something about this entry, feel free to email me.