Fuddland

I received a very odd mailshot today. A plain white envelope, addressed to me [handwritten] but with no postcode, second class stamp, sent from within my home city.

Inside was a yellow sheet of paper on which was printed—clearly with the aid of MS Word and its clipart library—the following:

Receive a continuous supply of Cheques, Postal Orders and Postage stamps through your letter-box every day. All you have to do is Join the U.K. Mailers Club. To participate all you need to do is fill in your name and address below and make out a £2 cheque or Postal Order or send £2 Cash to each of the names on the list below. Also include five first class mint postage stamps for each person. Then insert these payments and stamps into one envelope addressed to the U.K. Mailers Club address as below!

Somewhat confused but pausing only to wonder if they really mean stamps that taste of mint when you lick them, I read on.

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Please include this flyer in this envelope and pop it into your nearest letter box. We will then pass on the payments & stamps to those listed on this form. You will then be sent by return of post, a master copy of The U.K. Mailers Club letter with your name in position one. All you have to do is photocopy this and mail it out at every opportunity. All participating members will receive payments for life!

“…at every opportunity”? Does this mean that whenever I happen upon a letterbox or Post Office, I should send out a photocopy of this mysterious letter? To whom do I send it? What happened to those minty stamps I sent them? Are they using them to brew very weak, slightly gluey mint tea? Or balling them up to make novelty imitation Tic Tacs which can be unfurled to reveal a likeness of Her Majesty? The letter answered none of these questions, but went on regardless:

No names are ever removed from the list. When it is full we simply produce another one for you. To help you get started we at The U.K. Mailers Club will also mail out copies of this letter for you. That way we all help each other and we all make money. There is no more profit to be made by The U.K. Mailers Club than any other member because there is no membership fee or registration fee. Just fill in this form with your name and address, make out £2 payments to each of the names listed below, insert in to an envelope along with correct number of postage stamps and post to adddress given below. There is nothing more to pay whatsoever!

At the bottom of the page are three names which mean nothing to me, and an address in Northamptonshire.

Now I’m a reasonably clever chap, but I just do not get this—am I being dense or what? How does anyone make any money out of this? How does anyone avoid being anything other than £6 plus the price of fifteen stamps [mint or otherwise] out of pocket? Let’s read the instructions again, slowly this time:

1. I send three lots of £2 and three sets of five stamps, in the name of three different people, to one address.

2. The U.K. Mailers Club then gives my cash and stamps to those three lucky people. They, presumably, sit and stare at their gifts, all as perplexed as me.

3. Next, The U.K. Mailers Club sends me a letter with my name “in position one”.

4. I photocopy this and send it out whenever I possibly can, at any given opportunity. Apparently at my own expense. We’re not sure where I send it though. Can I send it to myself? I reckon I could deliver it by hand and save on the price of a stamp.

5. When the list gets full [however this happens] they just make another one. [They don’t just make the list longer in the first place.]

6. Ad infinitum?

Nope, not any clearer to me. But wait, what’s this at the bottom of the page?

All monies are payable to you, so you cannot be conned!

Oh, well, that’s okay then. No need to worry. Where’s my chequebook?

#1

imogen | 2004 / 09 / 28 – 02:53

you never cease to make me laugh. sigh. *you*.

#2

Damian | 2004 / 09 / 28 – 11:14

You really shouldn’t joke about making minty gluey tea with mint stamps. Don’t you know that glue is dangerous!

#3

David | 2004 / 09 / 28 – 11:19

Re #1: I thankew. :)

Re #2: Yes, I’m sure the glue they put on stamps is highly toxic, and there’s a tiny tiny disclaimer printed on each one which says “Do not lick”. ;)

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