Fuddland

Two ‘plane rides [one of which was decidedly choppy], an earlier-than-previously-booked train journey and I’m home again. I really must get on that road to having a private jet: it’s just far too risky travelling with ordinary members of the public. Either that or remember to add a set of blinkers to my carry-on luggage.

Take my immediate co-passengers on my second, longer flight. The man to the left of me just could not stop playing with himself. His right hand spent most of the time up inside his t-shirt, apparently caressing and teasing his left nipple. His other hand, when not scratching his head, rubbing his eyes or generally doing everything else his otherwise-occupied right couldn’t, was firmly down his shorts, having a good old rummage, re-adjusting and I-don’t-wish-to-know-what-else [but I’m fairly certain]. I’m afraid a casually draped blanket couldn’t disguise the pretty-near fact that he was having a gentle wank throughout most of the flight. Ordinarily one might applaud a man who could apparently perform this act for nearly seven hours, but the phrase “a time and a place” has never been more appropriate, and I never want to see him again [let alone shake him by (either) hand].

The two gentlemen on my right were not so annoying in the personal habits genre, but carried out a series of inane conversations during the course of the flight, the most entertaining of which was before we took off and went something like this [names have been changed to protect the innocent completely made up]:

Wazzock [looking at, and completely mis-reading, flight information screen]

That’s weird, the time here is 7:09pm but the time in London is 1:52am.

Wazzocker

Yeah, different timezone innit.

Wazzock

But I thought it only affected the hours, not the minutes as well?

Wazzocker

No, it can affect both.

Wazzock

Really?

Wazzocker

Yeah, of course it does. Think about it: if you walk over a timezone line, it doesn’t suddenly get dark does it? It’s a gradual thing.

Wazzock

No, but — the time changes, not the fact that it’s day or night.

Wazzocker

They’re the same thing. Imagine the world as a round globe. It has to be a gradual change from one timezone to the next. Remember when we were on the Hoover Dam?

Wazzock

Yeah.

Wazzocker

As we walked two minutes along it, that meant we were fifty-eight minutes closer to the next timezone.

Wazzock

Oh right, I see. [Looks again at flight information screen] Oh, but now it says they both have the same minutes.

Wazzocker

[confused noise]

Me [to myself]

Get me away from these people.

Still, I managed to read an entire book in one sitting, which is fairly unusual for me, but then it was a very good book [and not very long], and certainly preferable to watching Garfield — I suffered the first fifteen minutes or so but decided it was terrible and went back to my book. [I wonder if the film of the book is any good?] Slightly jeg-lagged and faced with three-weeks worth of mail [snail and e-] to sort through, as well as laundry and food-shopping to do, sometimes coming home to an empty house isn’t fun at all.

#1

Brown | 2004 / 09 / 23 – 10:41

At least in an empty house you can have a wank in peace.

Oh yeah…welcome home mate!

[Edited by commenter — 10:42]

#2

mrtn | 2004 / 09 / 23 – 16:01

re timezones: priceless…

welcome home dude!

#3

Dina | 2004 / 09 / 23 – 21:01

Welcome home.

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