Fuddland

Ah, hello and welcome to the one and only training session to prepare you for your new role as a kerbside recycling box collector. As you know, Leicester City Council recently introduced a scheme whereby households put a variety of recyclable materials into the green box with which we have provided them. We have purchased some rather spiffy lorries which have various compartments for each type of material: plastics, glass and paper. We used to take cardboard and not glass, but we decided to swap those two around just to confuse the residents, in case they actually get used to sorting their waste.

Each week, you’ll drive around, pick up the box which the residents have — hopefully — remembered to put out for you, and sort the materials into their respective compartments on the truck. Now you might think this is all very easy and this training session is a waste of time, but just wait a minute. I bet every one of you has assumed that, after emptying the boxes, you should stroll back over to the house from which you took it, and place the box carefully back where you found it. Or perhaps put it somewhere near its original location, at the very least.

You couldn’t be more wrong. When finished with the box, simply throw it in the general direction of the house — you may be twenty or thirty yards away if you’ve been a little slow and the truck has moved down the street a little, so be sure to give it some welly. If you’re really good, the box will bounce right out into the road and perhaps cause some kind of accident, but that’s not your concern. [However, if you find some broken glass in one of the boxes, try and make a note of which house it was and we’ll get the Ambulance Chasers Insurance Group Plc to make you a tidy sum in an out-of-court settlement.] Boxes scattered around the pavements make a fun obstacle course for the elderly, people with pushchairs or those who are wheelchair-bound, so try your best to keep things interesting for them.

There, I think that’s all you need to know. Oh, one final thing: always ensure you leave each street with at least one fewer green box than it had when you began — that’ll teach those bastards who are stealing 200 of them every week. Checking my notes I see it’s the turn of … yes, David’s house is scheduled to have his green box lost today. Let’s go to work.

The following are entries which follows on from the above:

1. Swizz not whizz [Fuddland]. Excerpt: There's one phrase that strikes me with a feeling of terror that reaches to the very core of my being. I'm not talking about the obvious ones, like I'm late this month or What's that large wet patch on your...

2. Now I'm really confused [Fuddland]. Excerpt: Following on from last week's green recycling box mystery... I didn't put my green recycling box out for collection this week as there was barely anything in it. When I popped home this afternoon, an empty green box was sitting...

#1

Gordon | 2004 / 07 / 27 – 22:03

I’m sensing something… hang on.. I’ll get it in a mo… A HA! Sarcasm at it’s finest.

Bravo Sir.

#2

David (TEFL Smiler) | 2004 / 07 / 27 – 22:37

Gosh, it’s just a green washing-up bowl, isn’t it? Would it fit in a sink? If so, that could be where some of the ‘boxes’ are going. Or for storage in sheds, I imagine.

Or have you seen them floating down the river?

Actually does Leicester have a river? (Please excuse my ignorance!)

#3

David | 2004 / 07 / 27 – 22:56

Re #1: Sarcastic? Me? Where? ;)

Re #2: It’s about twice the width and three times the depth as a kitchen sink, so it’s a little bit big for that [plus it has drainage holes in all four corners]. Definitely useful for general storage though:

“We’re not sure why they’re being taken. We can’t think of any obvious use for them, except that they are a convenient box.”

I don’t think we’ve got a river — we’ve got a canal, will that do ya? :)

#4

mrtn | 2004 / 07 / 27 – 23:41

re canal: er, the river soar?

#5

David (TEFL Smiler) | 2004 / 07 / 28 – 01:11

Long wet stretch of water, that’s fine! I suppose the drainage holes in the corners would stop the boxes from floating all that far.

Re the quote - I only actually looked at the picture, to see how this ‘box’ system worked.

I did however also glance at the Do and Don’t box. You’re supposed to crush the plastic milk bottles, but they haven’t done so in their own picture. Tut tut.

Also: wasn’t there a character called Biffa the Bully in the Beano or the Dandy, or somewhere?!!

[Edited by commenter — 01:14]

#6

David | 2004 / 07 / 28 – 07:58

Re #4: Oh, that thing. You’re right. I wonder where it is…?

Re #5: Naughty non-crushers. I always make sure I crush my milk bottles, favouring the “between the knees” technique. Top tip [if you don’t know it already]: if you replace the lid after crushing a bottle, the air pressure doesn’t allow it to return to its original shape.

And you’re thinking of Biffo the Bear, who appears [appeared?] in The Beano. I was always a Beano man–didn’t see the appeal of The Dandy, with Desperate Dan and his cow pies.

[Edited by commenter — 07:59]

#7

Brown | 2004 / 07 / 28 – 12:24

Our green box has disappeared twice now. This subsequently meant that next-door lost their box twice too, which in turn probably meant that next-door-but-one lost their box twice as well…

Also, you missed the part of the training session which instructs collectors to be totally inconsistent with what they will and will not take from week to week.

#8

David | 2004 / 07 / 28 – 12:33

Re #7: Well that explains where my box went then: obviously the chain of “steal next door’s box” stretched all the way from your side of town to mine! And you’re right, that was an integral part of the training session — but apparently they figure it out on their own anyway. ;)

#9

mrtn | 2004 / 07 / 28 – 12:41

re #8: i remember my sister having a similar theory about car hubcaps many moons ago: that there was only 1 missing, and that kept “moving” between cars as people nicked other people’s…

#10

Jann | 2004 / 07 / 28 – 14:03

I believe these fellows learn their craft at the same place as Croydon (or indeed anyborough, UK) binmen. The chaps that have taken my locality into their charge have perfected the art of leaving the place considerably messier than before they arrived and repeatedly rouse the neighbourhood at seven am with their cheery, expletive-ridden banter. They have to shout extra loud to be heard over the dustcart, of course.

Re #5 You’re thinking of that loveable victim of severe Geordie child-abuse, Biffa Bacon out of Viz…

#11

Daisy | 2004 / 07 / 28 – 17:41

Can I ditto the “Bravo!” bit?

#12

David (TEFL Smiler) | 2004 / 07 / 28 – 22:53

Re #10: Oh, of course - thanks, Jann. Viz, yeah. A great comic for children. Erm.

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