Fuddland

There are two kinds of people in the world: people who put used pots and pans to soak immediately after use so that sauce or food residue doesn’t dry out and become almost impossibly hard to clean, and bastards.

Soaking was discovered in 314 BC when Archimedes knocked his tzatziki-caked dish into the bath as he leapt out with the excitement of the news of some other, far more trivial discovery. His maid found the dish some time later and was amazed at how easily the mess just slid off — the dish even passed the squeak test. Of course, once Archie found out, he took all the credit, which irritated the maid to such an extent that she smashed all the plates at the wedding she happened to be attending at the time, and another tradition was born, although its origins were lost until I made them up just now.

Needless to say, I’m a soaker. I’m a smoker. I’m a midnight toker. I get my lovin’ on the run. [Wooo Wooooo.] Except of course I don’t smoke and never even run for the bus. But I’m a soaker to the point of obsession: I’ll soak other people’s utensils if I see they’re in imminent danger of forming crusty regions of residual food; potato mashers, in particular, must be dealt with swiftly and effectively. I will also make your toilet roll so that the paper goes up and over, without permission or explanation, and keep changing it until you accept that it’s the only way a toilet roll should be configured.

There are other things in this world that benefit from soaking besides pots and pans, such as one’s fingertips before pushing back the cuticles with a cuticle-pusher-backer [you learn these things when the only magazines in the pile in the bathroom belong to your female housemate; I really must start buying FHM again]. However, there are some things that must not be left to soak if you want to keep on my good side, such as wooden spoons, chopping boards, and mobile phones. Stick to these guidelines and we’ll get along famously.

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Update: To clarify for Gordon, a toilet roll that is orientated “up and over” hangs like this:

[This image remains the copyright of whoever owns the copyright.]

The “down and back” orientation is with the roll rotated 180° in the plane parallel to the floor, orientated so that the paper hangs almost flush [pun intended] with the wall.

#1

Vicky | 2004 / 06 / 03 – 20:27

In fact, any utensil which has come into contact with the dreaded mashed potato must be instantly blasted with hot water and the soaked forever. Almost. Ditto mozarella cheese.

#2

richard | 2004 / 06 / 03 – 21:09

Sensible lazy people soak, because it makes their lives easier. The people who don’t soak are clearly either masochists or are secure in the knowledge that someone else will do the washing up. The bastards.

ps. The start of your post reminds me of a joke: There are 10 types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who don’t. Boom, boom.

[Edited by commenter — 21:13]

#3

richard | 2004 / 06 / 03 – 21:23

May I make a small suggestion? In your style sheet you style <em> and <i> tags with a font-style of oblique. On my system this does nothing as I have no fonts labelled “oblique”. As I understand it, a setting of “oblique” will show an oblique font if one exists, or a normal font if it does not. On the other hand, a setting of “italic” will use an italic font if there is one, if not it will try an oblique font and only if that fails will it go for the normal font.

So using a setting of “italic” potentially supports a wider range of systems. Just a thought.

#4

RanK | 2004 / 06 / 03 – 22:30

And the there are the people that rinse pots/pans immediately after use so they don’t have to spend half an hour cleaning out the soaking pots/pans before they can start washing the dishes…
glad i got that of my chest…
you can tell who does the dishes in my house

#5

David | 2004 / 06 / 04 – 00:26

Re #2: I considered including that joke in the post — glad it got a mention anyway, it’s a classic. Now, can someone explain it to me…? ;)

Re #3: Do you know, I don’t think I’ve ever even bothered to check what the difference is between oblique and italic! I think I started using oblique on a whim without giving it much thought. Thanks for the info, I’ve altered the stylesheet[s] and you should be seeing slanty goodness henceforth.

Re #4: Rinsing is also a good tactic, however pots and pans are always washed last according to David’s Big Book on the Order of Washing Up things [glasses are first, then mugs, cutlery, dishes, pots and pans, and lastly the stupid big cumbersome grill pan if it needs it]. Anyone got a dishwasher they want to get rid of? :)

#6

imogen | 2004 / 06 / 04 – 05:33

if ever there were a post that made me want to shower you with public declarations of love — this one might just have been it.

p.s. i’ve got a dishwasher. ; )

#7

bsag | 2004 / 06 / 04 – 10:23

Re: Toilet roll orientation. Thank god there are other sane people in the world. Mr. Bsag is a ‘back and under’ man, which I hardly need to point out is all wrong. I can’t restrain myself from switching it to top and forward. Luckily, he doesn’t seem to notice, or we might be in the divorce courts by now.

#8

Gordon | 2004 / 06 / 04 – 12:38

Re: toilet roll… back and under? top and forward? WTF?

Layman’s terms please - does the paper roll out from the top or the bottom…

This comment is deliberately “slanty” .. heh

#9

David | 2004 / 06 / 04 – 13:13

Re #8: I’ve updated the post to, hopefully, make the distinction more clear. It’s an important issue and it’s best to make sure everyone understands the concepts involved. :)

[Edited by commenter — 13:21]

#10

David (TEFL Smiler) | 2004 / 06 / 04 – 13:22

Re the big debate of all debates: well, clearly I won’t be letting you, David, or bsag, either, anywhere near my toilet, as you’re likely to want to turn the toilet roll the wrong way round so that it hangs out into the middle of the room rather than how it should be, which is with the paper hanging down the wall (but not too far), in an elegant and classical manner.

#11

David | 2004 / 06 / 04 – 14:45

Re #10: The roll itself sticks out exactly the same distance regardless of which way round it hangs, so why force yourself to reach a few inches farther?

Oh, almost forgot! Re #6: I know, and it’s even large enough to fill a stupid big cumbersome grill pan. :)

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